How to Be More Resilient, According to Experts

Erik Vance, who writes and edits articles about fitness (among other things), replaces Jancee Dunn today.

I’ve noticed that I’m becoming less resilient as I get older. Whereas insults used to bounce off me; I could move to a modern city in the blink of an eye, now I spend days on end being haunted by some insult on social media, I can barely change my hairstyle without worrying.

It’s a flaw—one I want to assist my youthful son avoid by exposing him to challenges that will assist him face adversity without breaking down. I know it’s hypocrisy—the very essence of “do as I say, not as I do.” Before I raise a resilient child, I should probably raise a resilient myself.

I have my coping mechanisms: vigorous exercise, going out into nature, or distracting my brain with a Rubik’s cube can keep me from panicking. But all of this feels like a band-aid, not real courage.

So I called a few experts to find out how I could get tougher. I discovered that my view of resilience was completely wrong.

Wait, what exactly is immunity?

Defining resilience is complex. Some see it as the ability to withstand adversity; others describe it as the ability to bounce back; and still others compare it to the ability to adapt.

Words like courage and positivity are also thrown around a lot. But those terms suggest a kind of tough-guy stiff upper lip that doesn’t always work in the long run, said Michael Ungar, a professor of social work at Dalhousie University in Canada and an expert on resilience. Instead, he said, it’s a lot of “processes that allow you to thrive under stress.”

So mental toughness is not just a single muscle you can exercise, but a product of many aspects of your life, experiences, and personality.

Okay, but how do I get it?

All the experts I spoke to agreed that no matter how you define it, resilience can be improved, just like physical strength. There are many foundations that can support it—family, spirituality, or money, for example—though three ideas are key to better resilience.

Define what gives your life meaning.

“The most essential element of a good life is having a purpose and something to invest in and give to,” said Sherry Hamby, a professor of psychology at the University of the South in Tennessee who studies resilience in penniless communities.

She discovered that the most powerful predictor resilience to traumatic events is your connection to something greater than yourself, whether it is God, family, country, or simply the local parent-child association

The more types of meaning you find, the more stable you are. For example, let’s say you define yourself as a mother, a teacher, and an artist. If you lose your teaching job, you can draw strength from your family and your art.

So how do you rediscover the meaning of your life?

Find a way to tell your story, Dr. Hamby said, and your values ​​will become clear. Record a message to your children, do a life review or write your own obituary. Start with the accomplishments you are most proud of, then review the impact you have made and what you will leave behind. Think about what you still need to do.

Understand that no one is an island.

“We humans are very social creatures,” said Kathryn Howell, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “So when bad things happen to us, we want to be together and have contact with others.”

Community is key to resilience. One way to build a social circle, experts agree, is to volunteer. Get back to the things that give you purpose, Dr. Ungar said. If you find meaning in literature, volunteer at a library. If you don’t connect with people there, try teaching pottery or joining a running group. The point isn’t to be constantly social, but to build community.

Find what helps you stay balanced.

It turns out that the tools I thought were key to resilience—breathing techniques, exercise, time spent in nature—are further down the list. Self-regulation methods can serene you down or assist you get through the day, experts say, but they can’t always get you through a crisis.

Look at yourself carefully.

So how can I improve my average immunity? I have a purpose in life as a father and a journalist. And I have mountains and forests around where I live to give me balance.

But I don’t have a powerful social circle, especially with other men. So my path to resilience isn’t about braving the elements or gathering tools to make me powerful. It’s about being humble and taking the time to reach out and ask someone to, I don’t know, go for a beer sometime.

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