5 Ways to Make Friends (Without Joining a Book Club)

My sister Dinah recently told me about the unusual way she made friends after her divorce. Her youngest daughter was starting her college search, and Dinah missed when her children were little, so she began babysitting in a family with toddlers.

“I have this wonderful family in my life,” she said. “I also talk to parents when I pick them up from school, just like I did with my own children. It’s a whole recent group of people I wouldn’t normally meet.”

Many of us long for greater friendship and community, and piles of evidence show how crucial they are to our health. But it can be demanding to know where to start. So I asked the experts what actually works.

Start with exercise.

Danielle Bayard Jackson, friendship coach and author of Fighting for Our Friendships, asks her clients to start by writing down as many answers to this question as they can: “I am _____.”

Here are some answers I could give: mom, gardener, baker, book lover.

Jackson then asks her clients if they are connected to communities that reflect parts of their identity. If not, she said, now they know where to focus their energy, whether it’s those who share their faith, their love of art, or their cultural background.

Become a regular customer.

The more often you are in a place where people gather — in class, at the park — the more opportunities you have to connect, said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of social communication at the University of Kansas.

There are several reasons, he said. One is the so-called mere exposure effect, Dr. Hall said, in which “we tend to perceive familiar faces more positively, which reduces our reluctance to talk and increases our willingness to chat with someone.”

Once you have a common ground, Dr. Hall added, you have “something to say and a reason to say it.” That puts you on a natural path to friendship.

Start with diminutive talk, Jackson said: “I know people roll their eyes, but diminutive talk leads to gigantic conversation.”

Get closer to your neighbors.

To get to know your neighbors, try to show them diminutive acts of kindness, says Julianne Holt-Lunstad, professor of psychology and neurobiology and director of the Social Connections and Health Lab at Brigham Adolescent University.

Compliment their gardening skills or offer to take their bins. Why? Dr. Holt-Lunstad’s research has shown that doing so can encourage conversation and reduce loneliness.

And if there’s an event happening in your community, like a neighborhood cleanup or a street party, show up early and offer to support set up, Jackson suggested. The group will be smaller, and you’ll have tasks to do, so you won’t feel awkward, she said.

Join the group.

According to Dr. Holt-Lunstad, striving to be more socially energetic is like exercise: Even if you know it’s good for you, it can still make you feel uncomfortable.

Fortunately, many places are going out of their way to welcome singles. Volunteer at a community garden or try a board game café, suggested Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. If you love animals, dog and cat rescue organizations are often elated to accept recent members.

Or join the choir, added Dr. Kirmayer. Research suggests that singing in a group strengthens social bonds and engaging in music can support reduce the feeling of loneliness.

Dr. Kirmayer also recommended Toastmasters International, a nonprofit organization that teaches public speaking. It helps members build confidence and communication skills in a supportive environment, she said. With more than 14,000 chapters, it’s straightforward to find the nearest.

Dare to reach out your hand.

An straightforward way to practice having a conversation with someone you don’t know is to volunteer at AARP Friendly voice program and talk to an elderly person (or, if you prefer to answer the phone, you can order this service).

Dr. Holt-Lunstad also recommended thinking about people who have helped you in your life: a coach, a teacher, a neighbor. If they are still alive, reach out to them and tell them how they helped you. This can lead to a deeper connection, Dr. Holt-Lunstad said.

I did this with my fourth grade teacher, who made a huge difference in my life. I found her address and sent her a note via snail mail so she wouldn’t feel pressured to respond.

She wrote back immediately. Now she has become a surrogate grandmother to me—and it all started with a letter.

Here’s what you need to know about ultra-processed foods and brain health.

Several studies published in the past few years have linked eating more ultra-processed foods to cognitive decline—including a recent study linking ultra-processed foods to a higher risk of developing dementia. Experts discuss how these foods affect the brain.

Read the article: Are highly processed foods harmful to the brain?

It’s okay if you don’t like exercise — but you can train your body and mind to enjoy it more.

Some people come out of a workout feeling full of energy, while others feel drained. A few changes to your workout can make exercising more enjoyable.

Read the article: How to Optimize Your Workout to Improve Your Mood

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