How to deal with unexpected regrets for a transitional life

My friend has been retiring for years after dreams. However, when he packed his office, he exploded with tears. “I have no idea why,” he told me. “I have always wanted.”

We expect some life passages to be tough, such as a sedate illness or end of relationship. But others – a novel home, marriage, promotion – are more positive. You should be joyful, so why do you feel melancholy?

Since the loss comes with the change, said Alan Wolfelt, a funeral advisor and director of the Center for Loss & Life Transition at Fort Collins, Colo. “Every time you gain something novel in your life, you give something different,” he said. And sometimes the result is regret, he added.

So how do you deal with unexpected emotions? I asked experts for tips.

Recognize your regret.

We often associate sadness with death, but this may appear during any loss. And telling yourself that you should be joyful, that you feel worse, said Anthony Chambers, a psychologist and academic director of the Family Institute Institute at Northwestern University.

He suggests explaining your overcast emotions, asking yourself these questions: what do I feel and why do I feel this way? What am I losing with this profit? What did I appreciate in my previous stage of my life?

If you feel sorry, it doesn’t mean you made a bad choice, said Dr. Chambers. He added that this is only part of your adaptation to this novel chapter.

Let yourself be mourn.

Although regret is an internal answer, said Dr. Wolfelt, Mourning is “the ability to share these thoughts and feelings outside.”

He said that everyone processes regret differently. He said that you can write in a journal, talk to others who are in similar situations or express yourself through art or music.

Whatever you do, try to be forthright when people ask you about these transitions, said Doris Vaughans, a licensed professional advisor at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition.

“People will say:” Oh, are you withdrawing? How wonderful, you must be so joyful, “said Dr. Vaughans. “You can say something like:” Yes, I’m joyful and I’m melancholy. Now I don’t know how to be this novel person because I haven’t done it yet. “

And if you have many problems with progress, consider talking to the therapist or joining the support group, added Dr. Vaughans. For example, overwhelmed, novel parents can contact International postpartum supportNon -profit, which offers free online support groups for parents of all kinds (not only those with postpartum depression).

Plan “a well -rounded ending”.

When we start a novel chapter of life: “We are in our minds in the future,” said Gabriele Oettingen, a professor of psychology at Modern York University.

She gave an example of graduates in NYU, who, with a few months to graduate, usually focused on leaving school and preparing for the interviews. “But then they say they regret that they didn’t spend enough time with friends,” she said.

Dr. Oettingen’s Research suggests It is more likely that we have positive feelings in the field of transition from one stage of life to another, if we have a “well -rounded ending”, marked by a sense of closure.

Dr. Oettingen said that if the participants had loose ends, they felt happier, experienced less regret and were able to focus on the next phase of their lives.

So if you are approaching the transition, look for ways to commemorate it, Dr. Oettingen recommended it. If, like my friend, you expect a retirement, try to enjoy everything you like at work, such as a cafe next to the workplace or lunch with your favorite colleagues, said Dr. Oettingen. And consider the ritual like a party to see, she added.

Look for part of your senior identity that you can recreate.

Dr. Vaughans encourages his clients to inflict myself: “What exactly do I miss, and is there a way I can recover it a bit in a different form?”

I became inventive when I moved from Brooklyn to the suburbs of Modern Jersey. I was ready to move, but I thought I missed my senior district.

One night I heard a truck with ice cream. I was delighted because she used the same music that I heard for 20 years Brooklyn Summers. I made friends with Ice Cream Man, I bought a lot of cones with rainbow sprinkles, and now the guy evaporates in front of my house and plays this music until I leave.

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