I regret how I treated my children

You can do one of three things with pain: run away from it (denial, compartments), drown in it (chewing) or make friends with him. Befriending with pain means that you sit down next to it and start a conversation with him. This internal dialogue may sound like:

You: Hello, an aged friend. I remember how I met you at the airport almost 60 years ago. You went out to my life, but I pushed you away. I thought I could get rid of you, making ahead, creating a more stable family than the one I had, and I stand out in my career. But I’m ill of escape from you. So sit down with me. Maybe I can finally learn something from you?

Your pain: Perhaps I can aid you see that your father’s actions were not a reflection of how dignified you were love, but instead of his inability to properly love. It had to be very tough to understand at the age of 8. You deserved a loving, current father. And although you regret that you were unable to control your anger with children, I see how everyone who has your origin could fight in this way. I hope you show your compassion and wonder that the discovery of this gives you the opportunity to make contact for yourself and others differently. I’m not here to hurt you – I’m here to aid you go ahead.

Engaging in this kind of dialogue and recognition of the context in which you lost the temperament will aid you feel less embarrassed and take action. This action may include cooperation with the therapist to give the importance of childhood via a lens for adults, self -regulation tools in your relationships and working on regret about your own childhood and your children.

You can also start a dialogue with your children – do not look for their forgiveness, but to present a earnest apology and invitation to find out how you can be for them. You can start with something like this:

I want to talk to you about something significant. Now I am aware that in your childhood I have responded to situations with disproportionate and harmful anger. An incident with 10 dollars – and other such moments – never really concerned the mistake, but about my unsolved pain and the fears I am working on. I am very sorry that I have not recognized it before and I apologize for the times when it made you feel scared, tiny, criticized or unworthy. I am not asking for anything from you, but on the contrary – if I can be with you as a father you need now, or can aid heal something between us, it will be my highest priority.

I don’t know what your current relationships with children are or what they will do with it. But it’s not about their reaction, but more about transforming regret from the source of anguish into a fresh opportunity to be the best father for them, in any way they feel comfortable, as well as the best father you never had. The most deep healing often results from the recognition that we do not define our worst moments, but due to our ability to learn, develop and repair.

Do you want to ask a therapist? If you have a question, send e -mail to askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By sending an inquiry, you agree to ours Conditions for submitting the reader. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.