Therapist Lori Gottlieb gives her the best advice

I first encountered Lori Gottlieb’s work when I read “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” – her witty, straightforward memoir written from both sides of the couch – as a psychotherapist working with patients and as a person in therapy.

I was struck by her original voice, her wit and her ability to be vulnerable on the page. So I was delighted to learn that she would be writing an advice column for Well called “Ask a Therapist,” in which she would answer readers’ questions about life’s difficulties. Her first column has just been published; look for future installments twice a month. (You can sign up to receive the message in your inbox.)

I called Gottlieb, who also hosts “Dear Therapists” and asked her to share the best advice she has learned from her 15 years of clinical practice. She told me she wants people to think of their mental well-being as “health, not a separate entity.” Some of her patients, she said, “wait until they have something like an emotional heart attack and then they come in.”

Below are her tips from the front lines.

“That’s not what I meant” is not an apology.

Research suggests that taking responsibility for your mistakes is one of the most essential elements of an apology. But when Gottlieb treats couples, she said, she often hears phrases such as “That’s not what I meant” or “You shouldn’t feel that way because that wasn’t my intention.”

People say this, she said, because they feel misunderstood and blamed, and when they encounter such a reaction, they become defensive. But looking for excuses is ineffective. She explained that regardless of your intentions, the other person still feels hurt, so you should focus on how your actions or words affected them.

“You don’t have to agree with another person’s interpretation of events,” she added, “but you can’t argue with how someone says they feel.”

You have no obligation to forgive anyone.

Forgiveness has become a kind of cultural mandate that is somehow supposed to set you free, Gottlieb said. He calls this pressure “forced forgiveness.”

“There are a lot of things that just can’t be forgiven,” she said. Gottlieb tells patients that they can instead cultivate compassion for the person who hurt them.

Forgiveness and compassion are two different things, she said. She explained that forgiveness is actively pursued, while compassion is an “innate human experience.”

Sometimes you can separate what was done to you from the harm behind it, Gottlieb said, and really imagine that person’s experience – for example, a mother or father who grew up with an emotionally or physically abusive parent. If you can do this, she said, you’ll likely feel compassion, even if it doesn’t lead to forgiveness.

She added that just because you feel sympathy doesn’t mean you condone this behavior.

Boundaries don’t always mean rejection.

Gottlieb often hears from parents who are upset that their adult children set boundaries, for example by saying they don’t want unwanted parental advice. But she explained that every relationship has limits: “You can’t just act the way you want.”

While up-to-date boundaries may hurt, “they don’t do it to push you away,” Gottlieb said. “They actually do this to get you to come closer.”

Borders are usually an attempt at connection, she added. “They say, ‘Instead of breaking up this relationship, I want to make this work.'” Once people understand this, she said, things often improve.

I could have happily talked to Gottlieb longer, but soon it was time for her to end our session. But I can always read her column. And if you have a question you’d like her to answer for “Ask the Therapist,” email Askthetherapist@nytimes.com.

Health experts share the most life-changing tips.

Our reporters asked experts for the one basic health tip they rely on that they’ve learned from their work. The result: 35 research-backed tricks, life hacks and rules for better sleep, mental health, fitness, sex and productivity.

Read the article: 35 uncomplicated health tips confirmed by experts

Learning to swim isn’t just for kids.

Erik Vance, our editor, was never a great swimmer – so in middle age he decided to take swimming lessons for the first time since elementary school. Here’s what he learned.