Is your partner your best friend?

Stephanie Lopez is a flood room about her husband’s good features. She said that she was a man of character, kindness and honesty. He is a loving father and treats her with respect.

But is she her best friend?

“NO!” Lopez said, who is 43 years ancient and lives on the Great Island in Hawaii.

“I don’t have sex with friends,” she explained. “I don’t pay bills with friends. And I guarantee that if I did it, it would change all the dynamics of the relationship. “

The belief that your partner should be your best friend appears everywhere, whether it Social media or in the transition to the card with wishes. Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the “Reimagining Love” podcast, is nothing unusual for a romantic partner who fulfills more than the role of a spouse, co -founder or lover.

“We want someone who sees and gets us,” said Dr. Salomon. “Well, it’s the same damn we want in our friendships. We really want the same sense of affinity and admiration. “

But is it unjustified to expect that your companion will be your best friend, or is it the highest form of intimacy?

A constantly changing role of the spouse

Jennifer Santiago (42 years ancient) and her husband are the best friends.

The couple who began to meet at high school have broken up compact over the years, taking time to get to know themselves and what they want from life. But their basic friendship attracted them every time, said Mrs. Santiago, who lives in Orlando.

“There was always an empty emptiness when we took a break,” she said. They realized: “WOW, we really do everything together!”

Historically, this is a relatively modern approach to romantic relationships, said Eli J. Finkel, a social psychologist and author of “All-Anda-Nothing Marriage: How the best marriages work.”

Until the mid-nineteenth century, marriage in the United States was mainly around the provision of partners who met basic needs (such as food and shelter)-to what Dr. Finkel calls a “pragmatic era”. He said that in the years 1850–1965 the marriage entered the “era based on love”-in which the basic functions of relationships concerned love and company. Since then, we were in the era of “complacency”-in which the marriage concerns not only love, but also personal development.

“Marriage relationships have gained more and more responsibility for our social and psychological needs,” said Dr. Finkel.

How to determine realistic expectations

Is it a good or bad thing that many people now expect that their romantic relationships will fulfill so many roles in their lives? Ultimately, it depends on “whether your relationship can deliver,” said Dr. Finkel, who is also a co -host podcast “Love Factule”.

He feels “delighted” for people who say that they want their romantic partners to be their best friends. But he suggests that they are considering: are there other expectations that they can abandon? For example, he said that there is a lot to be expected that your partner will be a home director, share childcare, he will be your sole sex companion AND Be your best friend.

“I don’t want to sound like Karwa,” said Dr. Finkel. “I just want people to be aware that every additional expectations, that you throw at your relationship, involves the possibility of increased closeness – and this is associated with an additional risk that the relationship has been fastened under the weight of these expectations.”

He suggested a part of this pressure. Can you rely on other friends to support emotional? Are you okay, being emotionally close to your partner, but you don’t necessarily have the most effective, intimate life together?

Dr. Solomon believes that friendship, especially the best friendship, is not required for long -term intimacy. But it doesn’t hurt either, she said.

The similarity of your partner – what she described them as admiring, saying their humorous, caring for worldview and fun simply being together – can “depreciate” other challenges related to which she can face, she said.

But Dr. Solomon admitted that although he loves a 26 -year -old husband, he is not her best friend. “My best friend’s name is Ali, and she lives in Seattle,” she said. “She was here since we were 10 years ancient.”

Ultimately, maintaining a strict romantic bond can be reduced to managing expectations and discussing them clearly, said Adam Fisher, president of the American Psychology Psychology Psychology Psychology Association.

Dr. Fisher had a mentor who described marriage and relationships as the best friendship plus sex. Although he thinks that this is one “very profitable” approach to the relationship, he said that this is not the only one.

“Couples need a kind of” glue ” – commitment, common values, sex, finances – somethinghe said, but it doesn’t have to be friendship.

Mrs. Lopez gives up the bed paradigm as BFF.

“I think that we impose so many expectations and obligations on our partners,” she said. “I’m not here to be everything and everything for you.”