Is my boyfriend indolent? – The Up-to-date York Times

My partner and I have various ideas for what it means to work demanding. I was raised by my parents who encouraged me to put my nose to the grinding stone every minute. Their view: work as demanding as possible for over 40 hours a week and earn as much money as possible. In a sense, this way of thinking resonates with me.

However, my boyfriend act as a means to the destination. If he finishes his work in less than 40 hours, he will spend the rest of the business day, doing everything he likes – often, just nap. Sometimes it makes me feel uninhapsed and I wonder if I should make an appointment with someone with greater ambitions.

Maybe I’m too wrapped in Hustle’s culture. I love my partner, but I don’t know how and if we can fill these differences.

Do you think it’s a breakthrough?

From a therapist: I am the most striking me how you are struggling not only with the style of your partner’s work, but also with deeply rooted beliefs about the values, driving and money that you inherited from your parents. While you as a conflict about ambition, I hear how you fight a deep question: what does the living life determine?

Your parents have taught you that constant productivity is equal to virtue, and maximizing earnings is an essential life goal. It is a powerful narrative that is also resonant in our culture -oriented culture. But your discomfort related to your boyfriend’s approach can encourage you to examine these beliefs more thoroughly.

Your boyfriend seems to have a clear sense of boundaries and balance between professional and private life. He performs his duties effectively and then allows him to rest without a sense of guilt. His perspective can offer something valuable – a different model related to work that does not require constant pursuit of a sense of dignified. If the value is attached to work, what happens when you lose your job, become too unwell to work or retire? This seems to be a risky way of life.

You say that your parents’ views resonate with you “in some respects”, but I am curious about the ways they do not do. If your parents perceive the nap of your boyfriend as a defect in the character-signaling that he is indolent or unintentional-an in other person can easily think that his approach is admirable and vigorous. Sometimes, when we evaluate other people’s elections, hidden desire lurks under our consciousness. Perhaps there is part of you, which you also wanted to snail-paced down, but your judgment (not only your boyfriend, but you want to stop) bothering. If you publish a sentence, you can even discover a piece of jealousy.

You can ask similar questions about your relationship with money. What does “earning as much money as possible” mean for you? Is it about safety – a buffer against life uncertainty that helps you feel sheltered? Is it about status and recognition – actual evidence that you will succeed? Is it about freedom and options – the ability to make elections without restrictions? How would your parents answer these questions? How would you have? How would your boyfriend have?

Perhaps all your anxiety related to compatibility is the privacy of your mind. Or maybe comments like “Oh, will you nap?” In a tone that implies your disapproval. If you haven’t done it yet, it’s time to sit together and conduct an sincere conversation, not about naps and ambitions, but about what is a satisfying long -term relationship for each of you.

A few questions that should be taken into account: is your partner’s task to “inspire” you, or is it enough that he loves you and understands you, and that you like company? If you both put the “nose in the grinding stone every minute”, is there a place for mutually satisfying family life? How much money is enough for your purposes? Does work have to be a significant source of satisfaction for you both, or does one of you perceive work practically – as a way to support other aspects of life, not its main goal? (It may happen that your boyfriend does not lack ambition, but his ambition focuses on the latter).

By studying your beliefs and curious about your boyfriend, you can realize that your different approaches complement each other beautifully: your ride in combination with his performance and setting boundaries can create a powerful partnership in which financial satisfaction, career, family and relationships are possible, in which two excessive partners may not be able to achieve. But you can also discover that the values ​​you grew up with limit your own ability to find joy and balance.

Ultimately, the answer to your question is less in whether you can be with someone like your boyfriend, and more in expanding your own definition, separate from parents, what it means to lead a successful life.

Do you want to ask a therapist? If you have a question, send e -mail to askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By sending an inquiry, you agree to ours Conditions for submitting the reader. This column does not replace professional medical advice.