The joy and awkwardness of sober sex

When Steve Bennet-Martin first became sober while having sex with his husband, the couple had already been together for eight years.

“It’s not like every time I was wasted or every time I lost my mind,” Bennet-Martin, 38, said. “But there was always something that helped ease the uncertainty, fear and shame I associated with sex.”

After years of unsuccessfully trying to cut down on alcohol consumption, he began attending 12-step meetings in 2021 and has remained sober since.

But in the first days of recovery, sex felt “awkward and uncomfortable,” Bennet-Martin said, even with her trusted, long-time partner. “It was just like I was a virgin again.”

As researchers and health officials raise alarm about the negative health effects of even moderate drinking, many people are being soberly curious or abstaining from alcohol altogether. Cutting doesn’t just affect customary health indicators like blood pressure and cancer risk. Experts say it can transform people’s sex lives, leading to changes that may take some time to get used to – even for moderate drinkers.

“When you’re not numb to a substance and suddenly you’re face-to-face with someone you want to have sex with, it can be really scary at first,” says Laura Rademacher, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minneapolis who offers sober sex classes in her practice.

Ms Rademacher said sober sex could also have major benefits. She and other experts in the field of intimacy and substance exploit offered insight on how to approach intimacy without alcohol.

Abandoning “liquid courage”

There isn’t much research on the effects of alcohol on people’s sex lives, but the research that does exist tends to suggest a pattern: miniature amounts of alcohol can lend a hand enhance arousal and lower inhibitions, but enormous amounts can make it much more complex to feel aroused or experience orgasm.

Casey Tanner, a sex therapist in Modern York, said that while some of her clients immediately felt greater pleasure and satisfaction during sober sex, others found that it took months for their sex lives to stabilize. It’s not uncommon for newly sober people to feel uncomfortable initiating sex or for their frequency to decline, she added.

This was the case with Tawna Lara, 39, author of the self-help book Dehydrated Humping, who stopped drinking in 2015.

“I was So trust depends on liquid courage,” she said. “Before I got sober, I was a party-drinking bartender. The stereotype you’re imagining is exactly what I was. That’s why I met many dates, acquaintances and relationships in the bar.

Once she got sober, Ms. Lara didn’t have sex for about six months. She went to therapy. She was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and began treatment for both. She said she “came into contact” with her bisexuality.

“It’s not like the sex got better anytime soon,” Ms. Lara said. “But it became more candid. The first time I had sober sex, I remember thinking, “Okay, this is where you start producing!” Start faking an orgasm! And I didn’t do it.”

The learning process

Jeanette Hu, a therapist and sobriety coach in San Francisco, said people who are in recovery or trying to drink less may need to “learn” how to have sex without alcohol. (This was her experience when she quit drinking, she said.)

“Know that it’s normal to feel a little awkward, a little uncomfortable at first,” she said. “Because you’re learning something modern. You learn on your own. You learn your partner.”

Ms. Tanner noted that getting in the mood without turning to alcohol can be especially complex. Her advice: Pay attention to situations or contexts that can lend a hand you feel desired, she said. For example, are there certain times of the day when you feel more relaxed and open? Take advantage of these windows.

Ms. Tanner and other therapists emphasized that you do not have to have a problem with alcohol to benefit from testing its impact on your sex life. She recommended asking questions such as: When was the last time I had sex without alcohol or other substances? When I think about starting sex sober, do I feel any fear or anxiety?

For Mr. Bennet-Martin, getting used to sober sex took time. He found support in 12-step meetings and started a podcast that helped him connect with others who identify as queer and sober. He wrote what his dream sex life with his husband would mean – how often, who would initiate, and so on.

“It didn’t seem sexy to me at first,” Bennet-Martin admitted. “It was noticeable Really uncomfortable.” The couple also went to couples therapy, which helped.

Mr. Bennet-Martin had to learn to be candid about what he wanted and what he enjoyed during sex, and to ask himself why he thought he had been unable to acknowledge or express these desires before.

But now? He and his husband are having “better sex, better intimacy and better connection,” he said, “in and out of the bedroom.”