Her mother’s complaints about her sister-in-law got her daughter into trouble

My mother is overly critical of my brother’s wife to the point that she blames her sister-in-law for my brother’s “failures” (inability to get a better job, not taking better care of his health, etc.). Now that the grandchildren have arrived, the situation has gotten worse. My mother constantly criticizes the way my sister-in-law raises her children, who are loved and adore their grandparents.

Although my mother sometimes criticizes my sister-in-law and brother, I am mainly her listener.

I have a great relationship with my sister-in-law and when my mom goes on one of her tirades, I defend her. I tell my mother how cheerful she is to have such wonderful grandchildren and point out that my brother is an adult and makes his own decisions. This only leads to arguments between my mom and me.

When I finally told my mom how much it hurt me to hear her say such things about my sister-in-law, she decided she needed to take her frustration out on someone. I want to be there for my mom, but I don’t want to be put in that situation. How to navigate this?

From the therapist: The miniature answer to your question is that you can deal with it by no longer engaging in these conversations. But I think you already know that. You may be less aware that you are not “put in the position” of being a supportive daughter, a caring sister-in-law, and a reluctant confidant. You chose it and it’s worth examining why you applied for a job you don’t want and what makes it complex to quit.

Typically, when we repeatedly engage in uncomfortable family patterns, it is because they resemble familiar roles from our childhood. It sounds like you’re struggling with entanglement, a pattern of relationships in which the boundaries between family members become blurred or non-existent.

Think of the weave as two trees that grew so close to each other that their branches intertwined. While this may seem close, it actually prevents any of the trees from growing healthily. In your case, your mother’s emotions and grievances have become so intertwined with your emotional life that it is complex to distinguish where her feelings end and yours begin.

You mention that you want to “be there for your mom” even though these conversations hurt you. Many adult children who try to say no to their parents grew up serving as their parents’ emotional support system or absorbing their parents’ feelings, even at the expense of their own. When you told your mother how much her venting hurt you, she responded not by acknowledging your feelings, but by acknowledging that she needed to “vent her frustrations.” Her response reveals something vital: she sees you as a vessel for her emotions to overflow, rather than a person with valid feelings of your own. And yet, despite being hurt, you still care more about her feelings than your own.

You ask how to deal with this situation, but I think the deeper question is: How can you begin to appreciate your own emotional needs?

You can start by changing the meaning of making a reasonable request, which is what setting a boundary actually is. A boundary is not about pushing someone away. Instead, it’s about making an offer for a connection. This says: “I want to feel good being close to you, but when you do X, I want to avoid you. Facilitate me come closer“

Establishing a boundary consists of three steps:

• Present the problem and your desire to get closer (which will make it possible): “Mom, I love you and I want to support you, but these conversations about my sister-in-law put me in an impossible situation and make me want to avoid talking to you, and I know that neither of us I don’t want that. I’m cheerful to talk about other things together, but to keep our relationship sturdy, I need to turn it off.”

• Set a boundary (what you will do): “If you are struggling with this person’s choices, I would be cheerful to facilitate you find a therapist who can facilitate you work through these feelings. But if you raise these frustrations with me, I will end the conversation and we can talk about other things another time.”

• Maintain a boundary (do what you say): A boundary is not about what the other person will or won’t do. A boundary is an agreement you make with yourself. If you say you’ll end the conversation when your mom mentions your sister-in-law, you need to stick to that boundary every time. If you only end the conversation 90% of the time, why should the other person fulfill your request if you can’t fulfill it yourself 10% of the time? Fulfilling your request might sound like this: “Mom, I’ll end the conversation now because I don’t feel comfortable talking about my sister-in-law. I love you and we’ll talk later.

If you start to feel guilty, remember that just because someone sends you guilt trips doesn’t mean you have to take delivery. Remind yourself that when you become your mother’s outlet for criticism from your sister-in-law, you are participating in a cycle that strains loyalty and causes personal suffering. And remember that being a good daughter means setting boundaries that encourage our parents to grow, not enabling patterns that harm our family relationships.

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