6 things narcissists do during the holidays + how to deal with it

I remember when the holidays were volatile with my narcissistic ex. One moment I was having fun and feeling loved; the next I was devastated, shaking and blaming myself.

He told me that love is difficult. I finally believed it was the price of being in a relationship until I realized he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and was hurting me for fun.

You may be with a narcissistic partner, or you may have a narcissistic boss, friend, co-worker, parent or in-law. You see, the limbic system and prefrontal cortex in people with a shadowy personality literally become hyperactive when others are truly gleeful and connected. They get mad because Christmas isn’t just about them.

Narcissists know which buttons to push: the ones that annoy you, make you lose your frosty, or cause your nervous system to break down. First, they set the stage by creating last-minute emergencies or impossible scheduling conflicts, blaming you for the chaos.

When vulnerable, they overwhelm victims with repeated, violent demands and criticism. They can gaslight you by rewriting venerable holiday events, exploiting your stress-damaged memory, and making you distrust yourself even more.

I remember feeling bad one morning when I woke up thinking it was going to be a good vacation for a change and he yelled at me for spending a lot of money paying for our friends’ dinner. You see, he invited them and jumped in to pay.

You need to know that narcissists are experienced joy thieves. They wait until you feel protected and cheerful before they systematically destroy it.

Other common things I hear from my clients include how they are told to repay money for what They gifted you with talent, make you apologize when you’re home, make some double-entendre statement about how your behavior hurt them, destroy your belongings, or keep you up all night reciting a litany of your failures.

Every gift is a power play. My ex’s mother gave us damaged things. We dismissed it as a visual defect until I realized that narcissists often tell you that you don’t deserve anything good – that you are damaged.

Other narcissists utilize lavish gifts to create obligations, as a transaction that is paid dearly and disproportionately in perpetuity. Some people intentionally give underwhelming gifts, like an apron, even if you’ve given them a list of what you want (which they can certainly afford).

The most obvious way for a narcissist to disrupt the holiday spirit is to completely denigrate the holiday season. They can talk about commercialization and say, “Everyone is doing it like sheep.” They may also pull the anti-religion card even if they know it is crucial to you.

This is because virtue signaling makes you look better while destroying your joy and beliefs.

They may verbally commit to doing something or even make plans with you and then disappear the same day or show up drunk or high, conveniently forgetting about the opportunity. Or they deliberately forget about gifts, dietary issues, or schedules.

As technology evolves, so does the narcissist’s repertoire, beyond hacking devices or creating counterfeit accounts for catfishing and stalking purposes.

Some people deliberately modify you so that you discover that a up-to-date group chat was created without you, so you feel rejected, for example. Others insist on participating in all family group chats to “stay in touch,” and then utilize this to monitor and take screenshots for later utilize as ammunition or to triangulate people with each other.

Others may insist on participating in recurrent video calls or providing time-stamped photos and reports so they can track you down and dramatize minor legal loopholes into full-blown wars, shining a spotlight on you for lying to them.

Narcissists are known to abuse substances due to their high impulsivity, high entitlement, and low responsibility. Once the damage is done, it’s straightforward to blame it on alcohol or even depression. There’s always some plausible deniability reason for when he goes berserk, paranoid, or violent.

But if you show that you feel pain, fear or sadness the next day, they will tell you so You have hurt their causing them and therefore they need to serene down with these substances.

It’s also your fault that you’re a monotonous killer if you don’t indulge in these substances together. They will tell you that there is nothing they can do about it and that they want to change, and they will ask you for aid in achieving their Modern Year’s resolutions. So, as a responsible person who loves them and cherishes the good memories you shared together, naturally, you absorb it and get pulled in further to pristine up.

You will be inclined to aid and even tell yourself that “hurt people hurt people,” especially if you still believe that loving someone will make them better or that it is wrong to abandon those you love.

Keeping your brain regulated means stepping back and taking three deep breaths properly so that your fear center can go offline and the smarter parts of your brain can step in.

If you’re tired of the gloomy end to another year but have come to terms with it, know that it’s because in the case of narcissistic abuse, your nervous system is wired to make you stay. And humans are naturally terrible at withdrawing from bad situations.

So if you are hesitant to leave, put these incidents on your list of all the bad things they did, because we, the abused, selectively remember the good times. Gather evidence as you gain strength, and logically record the results so that you have a frame reference anchored in reality. Because every day and month of your stay makes leaving the country even more arduous. The trauma deepens over time and the only solution is to leave and heal.