Christmas can be hard for children with separated parents. Here are 5 tips to support them deal with it

For many children, Christmas and other celebrations are a time of emotion and joy. However, for people struggling with separation – whether their parents have separated or a loved one has died – it can be hard.

During the holiday season, we often focus on being together. Here are some ideas to support children cope with separation.

Rituals are significant in family life

Annual celebrations – such as Christmas, Hanukkah, Passover, Diwali, Eid and Lunar Fresh Year – can be magical for children.

The shared joy of decorating the Christmas tree, lighting candles, unwrapping gifts and singing songs develops creativity and imagination. These moments can create lasting memories and strengthen you sense of belonging.

Research shows family traditions are good for the good of parents and children, and helping us all enjoy your vacation more.

But research also suggests the true value of family rituals lies in who we share them with, not what they are.

What does this mean for children who may not be able to celebrate with everyone they love?

Managing the range of feelings

Messages surrounding holiday celebrations often focus on togetherness and close family time.

This can be painful or isolating for families dealing with bereavement, physical distance, conflict between family members or separation between parents.

When our current circumstances are not consistent as we expect (or the idealized images shown in advertising), holidays can evoke feelings of loss or sadness.

This time of year can be especially challenging for children. They may feel torn or guilty sharing time between parents or you fear missing out on moments with one side of the family.

It may be hard for children to express these emotions. They may also worry about upsetting or disappointing their parents.

However, many separated families they can create meaningful traditions that provide children with a sense of love and support and that become treasured memories.

Here are five tips to support you and your child cope with separation during the holidays.

1. Plan ahead

If you are separated, avoid last-minute misunderstandings by coordinating with the other parent and agreeing where the child will spend time on vacation well in advance.

Co-parenting based on cooperation and support (where both parents work together for the child’s benefit) leads to more positive outcomes for children.

This is not always possible. But if you can, try:

• Agree to prioritize what’s best for your child. Keep conflicts away and avoid speaking negatively about the other parent

• coordinate gift giving and avoid mutual competition

• consider how to stay connected with your child when you are apart. You can video call, record a message or story for them, or let them take something that reminds them of you (like a photo, a souvenir, or a piece of clothing). If you are with your child, try to be generous in facilitating these contacts with the other parent.

2. Involve your children in planning

Shared care arrangements and advance warnings mean your child knows what to expect and has time to discuss any concerns.

Check in and let them express how they feel about any arrangements, without judgment.

Try not to take your child’s preferences personally. Avoid adding pressure or guilt (for example, “I miss you so much when you’re not with me” or “Your dad will be very disappointed if you don’t stay with him”).

3. Facilitate them name their emotions

If your child expresses longing for one of their parents (or someone else they can’t be with), it’s significant to acknowledge these feelings. You can support your child name his emotions without making him feel like he has to choose between his parents.

Instead, admit to feeling worried, depressed, or guilty. Let your child know that he or she can miss one parent while still enjoying time with the other.

Reassure them that both parents love being with them and want them to have a good time, no matter where they are.

4. Create modern rituals

Rituals can be even more significant for children in times of change or uncertainty – for example, if a child’s parents have recently separated. They can provide a sense of predictability that is conducive connection and stability.

If you can’t be together that day, you can send a special gift along with a note. You can also plan the celebration on another day.

And if you are with your child, support them if they want to write cards or create petite gifts for others who may be missing.

5. Take care of yourself

Many adults consider Christmas or other holiday celebrations stressful.

If you can’t be with your child or children, it can also create feelings of loneliness, sadness and regret.

Acknowledge your emotions and find ways to work through them (for example, talking to a friend, going for a walk, or seeking advice).

Plan something for yourself when your child or children are away from home. Planning is fun self-service activities – such as spending time with friends or family, volunteering or exploring modern places – can support you have a positive holiday.

Remember that taking care of yourself will also benefit your child.