Sex therapists often hear about these problems

Couples concerned about “mismatched” libidos. People having trouble reaching orgasm. Lovers wondering if they’re having the “normal” amount of sex.

Sexologists, educators and researchers tend to constantly draw attention to these problems.

So Well reached out to a few of them to ask them: What do you wish more people knew about sex and intimacy?

Here’s what the experts had to say.

1. Comparison is the thief of sexual joy.

Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia and author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness , spends a lot of time trying to convince people to let go of the idea of ​​a “normal” sex life when it comes to how and how often they have sex.

How often couples have sex is not a reliable indicator of sexual health, she said, although it is something “that people really focus on.” It says nothing about whether individuals actually enjoy the time spent with their partners and the sex they do have, she added.

“I’ve worked with couples who had sex every night and were unhappy together,” echoed Casey Tanner, a Modern York City sex therapist and author of “Feel It All.” On the other hand, she’s worked with couples who felt deeply connected and had sex maybe three times a year.

Ms. Tanner urged people to stop focusing on the numbers and instead focus on how each sexual experience feels.

2. It may be time to update the definition of “sex.”

We tend to think of sex as an action, said Esther Perel, a couples therapist and author who is launching a novel online course on desire. But she’s changing that for her clients and audiences. “Sex isn’t something you do,” Ms. Perel tells them. “Sex is a place you go.”

He often asks questions like, “What do you want to experience there? Is this an experience of transcendence for you? Spiritual unity? Deep connection?” Or, “Is this an experience where you can be mischievous and not be a good citizen this time?”

Ms Perel believes that acknowledging that having a shared orgasm is not the sole goal during sex can lend a hand couples get through the impasse.

Candice Nicole Hargons, an assistant professor at Emory University and author of the upcoming book “Good Sex,” encourages her clients to consider the concept of a “sexual menu.”

“Most of us are given an unclear sexual menu as children,” she said.

The types of sex on our menu can be influenced by media, sex education classes, and our social perceptions. But she encourages her sex therapy clients to create a more palatable, personalized menu—“so they can say what’s their ‘yes,’ what’s their ‘no,’ what’s their ‘maybe,’” she says.

The only thing that is non-negotiable? Pleasure should be the main course.

“You’d be surprised how many people I talk to every day don’t understand that sex shouldn’t be painful,” said Jessica Ross, a sex therapist in Michigan. “Orgasm? Optional. But pleasure is mandatory.”

3. There is more than one kind of desire.

Sexual desire, as portrayed on TV, in movies and in pornography, is invariably instinctive—a sudden, overwhelming urge to have sex. But there’s another, equally essential kind of desire, known as responsive desire. It occurs in response to intentional pleasure or erotic stimuli, said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a Minnesota-based psychologist and sexologist and author of “Desire.”

People who tend to experience responsive desire should feel reassured that “there’s nothing wrong with them,” she said. “They’re not broken.” They may just need to put in a little more work to figure out what kind of erotic stimulation helps them feel open to the possibility of intimacy, like touch.

In addition, couples need to let go of the expectation that they should be consistent in how and when they experience desire. “Desire discrepancy is the norm, not the exception,” Dr. Fogel Mersy said.

4. Never underestimate the power of the clitoris.

“The clitoris is the powerhouse of a woman’s orgasm, and the expansive majority of the sensitive nerve endings that contribute to pleasure are located on the surface of the vulva, not inside the vagina,” said Ian Kerner, a Modern York-based sexologist and author of “She Comes First.”

Most sex positions don’t provide much clitoral stimulation, he said, which is a major factor contributing to the pleasure gap among heterosexual couples. By taking a more “clitoral approach to sex,” activities that are typically considered foreplay, such as manual and oral stimulation, aren’t just a precursor to something else. They’re the main event, Dr. Kerner explained.

However, as Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of the book “Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex,” noted, suggests that 18 percent of women achieve orgasm through penetration alone“Women who want to have an orgasm during vaginal penetration or intercourse may want to do so — and there are ways to try to do so,” she added.

5. Men are not lithe switches.

There are many stereotypes about male sexuality. One is that all men are constantly thinking about sex, and “all it takes is a robust gust of wind to give a guy an erection,” says Dr. Kerner.

“What gets lost is the larger truth that men’s sexuality is just as convoluted and variable as women’s,” Dr. Kerner said. Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 problem he sees in his practice, and men are just as likely to be low-desire partners as women, he said. Often, his male clients feel great shame and embarrassment that they don’t initiate sex the way they “should.”

“Men are not lithe switches when it comes to sex,” Dr. Kerner said. “They don’t just turn it on and off.”

6. The calendar should include intimacy, not just sex.

Putting sex on your calendar is a well-worn piece of advice from sexologists, but Ms. Tanner thinks it can backfire. “The pressure to schedule sex can actually reduce sexual desire,” she explained. “Instead of putting sex on your calendar, schedule an activity that opens the door to intimacy.”

What that means will vary from couple to couple, said Jessa Zimmerman, a sex therapist in private practice in Seattle who gives her clients the same advice. Maybe it’s a date night. Maybe you go to bed a little earlier than usual and see what happens.

“It’s very different than, OK, we’re going to have sex every Sunday night. Because, oh my God, it doesn’t take long for a person with lower desire to start avoiding it or fearing it,” she said.

7. It’s possible to think too much about good sex.

Sara Nasserzadeh, a social psychologist and author of “Love by Design” who works with clients around the world, said she notices a tendency among some of her North American clients to feel the need to talk about sex ad nauseam.

“It’s witty to me because sex is something that has to do with bodies,” she said. “It has to do with somatics.”

That’s not to say her motto is “Just do it,” but sometimes you have to let your body connect and “speak” for you, Dr. Nasserzadeh said.

Put another way: Sex should temporarily rob you of your intelligence, said Dr. Stephen Snyder, a Modern York City sexologist and author of “Love Worth Making.” It should make you a little selfish, maybe even a little regressive, he said.

“Good sex makes you dumber,” he said with a chuckle. “And great sex makes you really, really dumb.”