4 Strategies to Reconnect with Friends

My friend’s brother, Andy, had a long-standing ritual that I loved: For more than 20 years, he and his buddies would meet up every Tuesday night to play hockey in his hometown in Michigan. During the last week of the year, they would bring sluggish cookers full of meatballs and chili and set them up in the locker room. After they got off the ice, they would have a feast in the parking lot.

I recently wrote a newsletter about how to make friends. Now I’m going to focus on deepening the friendships you already have. I asked experts to share imaginative ways to connect with them so you can reap the benefits significant health benefits close relationships — and bring more joy into your life.

Try the “narrow edition”.

Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and author of “Fighting for Our Friendships,” suggested something she calls a “narrow series.” That’s an activity you can do with friends that lasts for a few weeks or months, she explained.

Jackson said try watching a modern reality show and meet up every Saturday for a walk or Zoom call to “analyze it like sociologists.”

For example, Jackson and her friend watched the latest season of “Insecure” together. The show aired on Sunday nights, and on Monday mornings they would discuss it for 15 minutes. The consistency of their weekly conversations brought them closer, she said, “and we would share things about ourselves, like, ‘Oh my God, I had a boyfriend like that.’”

Because a “narrow series” has a strict start and end date, there’s no pressure to commit to it forever, and it also reduces the mental work involved in planning, Jackson said.

Let’s bring back “parallel play.”

“Parallel play” is a behavior that is commonly observed in children, play independently, side by side. But you can do it as an adult, too, Jackson said.

And while children don’t really interact with each other during parallel play, said Catherine Bagwell, a professor of psychology at Davidson College who studies friendships, adults will talk even if they’re doing completely different things. It doesn’t necessarily matter what they’re doing, she said. The key, she said, is that they’re doing it together.

One person can cook while the other brings in crafts, Jackson said. Or one friend can garden while the other draws flora and fauna in a sketchbook. Don’t let different interests or an upcoming project you have to do get in the way of seeing a friend, she said.

Organize your meetings.

According to Anna Goldfarb, author of “Up-to-date Friendship,” a vague invitation to meet on Friday may make some people suspicious about the need to devote time to it.

So be specific, she said: “Would you like to meet for dinner at Lorenzo’s Pizza on Friday so I can hear about your modern job? We could meet at 6 for an hour or two.” That invitation is not only more explicit, Goldfarb said, but it’s also more enticing.

Mentioning a time frame you’re thinking about is key, Jackson added. “I’m more likely to hear a ‘yes’ from my friends if I give them a specific window, like an hour,” she said. “I call this ‘closing your meetings.’”

The bookend can be even shorter, Dr. Bagwell added. If you see a friend dropping off the kids, you could invite him or her to “sit in the parking lot for 15 minutes” to chat.

“Good friends have a history together,” so compact conversations can be supportive, she said. “We don’t need long interactions to enjoy each other’s company.”

Host a low-stakes competition.

Jackson suggested offering a “slightly competitive and fun” challenge to a group of friends at the beginning of the month.

Maybe it’s a competition for the cleanest garage or the longest streak on a language app like Duolingo, she said. Once you’ve accepted the challenge, share your progress and chip in for a prize, like a bottle of wine, for the winner.

Jackson’s husband, inspired by her work with clients, challenged a group of friends to a month-long step challenge.

“He loved it because it was a chance to connect with his friends every day and maybe have a little chat,” Jackson said. “He got used to not talking to them much and he said it was nice to be in touch with them so often.”

I don’t play hockey, but I plan on getting my sluggish cooker out this winter. I’ll make some soup and invite a few friends from my city, giving the details: “Want to go for a walk and make some Crock? It’ll take about an hour and a half. Come over to my place.”

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